there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
