After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
We smell like vodka and hangover
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
