I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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