Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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