i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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