i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
