Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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