is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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