I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
