The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
