just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
