Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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