After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
