pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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