Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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