I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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