ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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