My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
The best revenge is premature balding
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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