Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
