He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
