I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
