A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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