i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
