I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
