Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
