Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
i think my cat just said my name.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
