I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
