You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
barbara walters just said penis...
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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