My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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