Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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