My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
we made out on top of his cat.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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