i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
