the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
