I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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