so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
