Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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