Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
