I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
