My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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