I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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