the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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