so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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