I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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