if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
