some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
