phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
