No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
