Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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