Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
