It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
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