Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I would fuck him just for his dog
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
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