Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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