Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
did you just send me my own nude
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
