i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
