We're like a lot better than the average bears
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
