Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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