That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
